91/365 - April's fool

Google should give me a prize for creative color coordination on my April calendar. For nearly every day this past week, I've advanced forward a month, living one day at a time - or in some cases, one day multiple times - just to make sure everything is accounted for: my kids' spring break, a business trip to Chicago, three orchestra gigs, half a dozen childcare swaps, three major deadlines at work, and five birthdays (including my own). Oh, and there's a holiday and a few social events peppered in the there too. Here's hoping the only time I end up playing the fool next month is tomorrow!

90/365 - Would you be persuaded?

Dear Prospective Student,

I’m happy to know you’re still considering Michigan! I certainly understand that looking at in-state vs. out-of-state tuition makes for a very challenging comparison.

I’ll be the first to admit that Michigan is pricey, but I encourage you and your family to keep in mind the value of the education you would receive wherever you choose to go. If you’re willing to talk about affordability later, it would be great to hear about the kind of college education you think would best meet your aspirations and careers goals.

We are still finalizing the details of your visit next week, and you should be receiving an itinerary soon. There will be several opportunities for you to meet with faculty and hear the ensembles, and I’m very much looking forward to meeting with you too! Some things for you to think about in the meantime:

Since you applied for our Jazz Studies degree with Teacher Certification, I gather you realize it’s a one-of-a-kind program in the country. You probably also know how much the Jazz Department would love to see you join our School, but you may not be aware that our Music Education faculty also ranked you among the strongest of their candidates this year. The Jazz Studies degree with Teacher Certification – along with the world-wide recognition that a degree from UM affords – would make you a highly specialized performer and music educator. This degree carries a great deal of prestige, and it offers a high market value that will likely lead to many opportunities down the road for you.

I know that financial consideration is a huge factor in determining your choice of college, but it certainly isn’t the only one. No matter whom you ask, UM is ranked in the top five professional music schools in the country – and you were among the top musicians admitted to this program! Our scholarship offer is further indication of how much we value your artistry and academic integrity. I do think UM would be a great fit for you, and if you want to come here, we’ll do everything we can with the funds we have available to make it affordable for you and your family. Let’s talk about how we can make that happen when I see you next week.

All the best!

Emily Perryman
Senior Admissions Counselor
734.763.7558
734.763.5097 fax
emilycp@umich.edu
www.music.umich.edu

University of Michigan School of Music, Theatre & Dance
Office of Admissions and Student Services
2290 Moore Building, 1100 Baits Drive
Ann Arbor, MI 48109-2085

89/365 - Meditation

This is who I am: I step out of chaos into possibility.

88/365 - Pensieve

87/365 - 3C Coordinator

On my way into the office this morning, I was waylaid by a barrage of communication code requests even before I had my computer open for business. In addition to resending the four AWRD comm codes I had set up earlier this month, I was being asked to set up another one ASAP to run Letter Gen for our 17 new "Leaders and Best."

I got right into Wolverine Access to do the Communication Quick Setup, updated the master list of SMTD Comm Codes, and prepped a Batch Load Communication Template, complete with UMID's and APPL #'s, and voilà! The damn codes wouldn't load into the system.

It took a little digging on MyLinc before I realized I used the ADMP template instead of the AWRD template, which required FINAID info. Of course! I made the necessary edits to the spreadsheet, ran the Batch Load Comm, and again....nada.

So, I ran the Communication Speed Key Table to see if something was wrong with the setup and discovered I accidentally set the code up for MUS68SP, not MUSF68SP as I had intended. I also made a note to tell my colleagues that the 2nd digit in the accompanying letter code A0W was a zero, not an "O." Again, I edited the spreadsheet and tried the Batch Load Communication, and again it failed.

That's when I tried updating the Communication Speed Keys with the new AWRD codes in my User Defaults, along with the ADMP and PROS codes. Still no luck, even when I attempted to manually enter the code using the Variable Data. The only plausible remaining cause for error was my access to the FINAID data, but by that point, I figured I could hand-calligraphy these letters before I heard back from ITS or OARS.

Oh, the joys of UM data access.

86/365 - Phalaenopsis

My orchid finally has the tiniest of buds appearing on its weathered stem. It has always been such a sensitive little plant, which is typical of orchids, and it's been over a year since it last sent up its delicate blossoms. I've been tending to it faithfully in hopes it will flower again.

This plant used to bloom a couple times a year. Oddly enough, it was always right around the time I was starting a new relationship, and, as silly as it sounds, I always interpreted my orchid blooming as a good omen - but then the blooms ended up fading as quickly as the relationship in each and every case. The last time my orchid bloomed, one of my cats knocked it off the table, broke the pot, killed the blossoms immediately, and even the plant itself was in danger of keeling over. I swear to you the relationship I was in at the time ended just as tumultuously not long afterward.

I realize it's absurd to suggest that the life of my orchid is analogous to my love life, but I do think it's a bit serendipitous that now, with its roots exposed and leaves a bit battered, my orchid is getting ready to bloom again. Before sending up it's shoots right at the beginning of a relationship this time, though, it seems to have waited for a measure of trust and commitment to develop first.

Perhaps that's the best omen of all.

85/365 - Reconciling a sleep deficit

I promised I would try to get to sleep bed before 11:00pm tonight. My old habits don't listen when I tell them it's time for bed. Even sleep-deprived, I'm more of a die-hard than they are.

84/365 - Content

I don't remember feeling this content on the day of an orchestra concert. I owe this peace in large part to the love and care from beau this past week, and for that I'm truly grateful. I also had the opportunity to sleep late on this misty morning and then ran five glorious miles in my first race of the season. The finish line was right at the edge of a beautiful lake, graced by a lovely swan, who all but posed for us here.

There's something altogether satisfying about looking upon such beauty - anytime for sure, but especially after a good trail run, when the exertion of the body and the effortless expanse of nature offer a peacefulness that would be wasted on anything but a meditative spirit.

83/365 - Scholarship process

Another day down in this merit-based, need-informed scramble for dollars and grants.

How do you weigh the value of your education when your EFC is $648 and your father died? When you make the cut but you're not the cream of the crop? When your dream hinges on monkey's tails and the principles of used car commodities? When what you have to borrow laughs in the face of what you'll someday make?

When money isn't the object of the art you create.

82/365 - Zzzzz....Redux

This time I'm just going to bed.

81/365 - Zzzzz...Oops, time to play!

Tips for staying awake during orchestra rehearsal:

1. Get more than 15 hours of sleep in the three days preceding rehearsal.

2. Don't work through lunch and dinner before driving an hour prior to rehearsal.

3. Strategize coffee consumption to allow for maximum energy and appropriate timing of impending caffeine crash.

4. Keep in mind that rests, even when 20+ measures long, are not built-in for the intention of giving musicians an opportunity to rest their eyes.

80/365 - Mini daffodils

Happy first day of spring!

These precious little things were smiling at me as I left work and headed to rehearsal tonight - an all too brief time outdoors on this beautiful day that I heard tell was more like summer than spring. I don't have any daffodils or early blooming plants at my house, so I'm itching to get my fingers in the dirt soon, to pull weeds and make space for pretty things to grow. In the meantime, I'll just have to take the time to stop and admire the flowers wherever I find them.

79/365 - The meaning of music

I happened upon this note scrawled on the wall of one of the practice rooms when I stole an hour away from my desk to play my flute earlier today. As I warmed up with my scales and arpeggios, I thought about the student who wrote it, and I wondered what his journey will be - whether his struggle will lead him deeper into his music or drive him in search for meaning elsewhere.

What he doesn't know yet is that the profound significance he once attributed to music isn't, in fact, the music itself. Music, like all art, is merely a means of expressing who we are and how we see the world. When this student truly discovers who he is as a creative being and what he wants to give back to this world, I have no doubt music will take on a whole new purpose for him. It certainly did for me.

78/365 - Happy birthday, Mom!

This photo is from one of the first pages in a scrapbook my mom made for me, which chronicles my life from birth until not long after I had Sophie, my first child. It's one of those cherished mementos I would be more proud to share with friends if it weren't for the bad perms I sported in every photograph from about 5th grade until my college roommate knocked some sense into my sense of fashion.

I'm sure it won't come as a huge surprise to say I didn't appreciate my mom nearly enough when I was younger. That may be typical of a mother-teenage daughter relationship, but I'm ashamed to admit I didn't really realize how amazing my mom is until I had kids of my own. I remember taking a walk with her when Sophie was just a newborn, and even if my feelings were influenced by post-partum hormones, I was still profoundly moved by an awareness of all the sacrifices she had made as the mother of four children - of which I wasn't always one of the most grateful. I still apologize, every now and then, for my behavior as a teenager.

Looking through this scrapbook, I see countless examples of the love my mom demonstrated at every stage of my life - the birthdays made special by handmade personalized cakes, her loyal attendance at school functions, girl scout ceremonies, band concerts, and dance recitals - and all the accoutrements for which she took responsibility, countless meals and additional preparations for every family vacation and holiday gathering, her tireless efforts to make homecomings and proms special, standing by me as I transitioned - not always gracefully - from a girl into a young woman....going off to college and then grad school, getting married, having children. Later, though not pictured in my scrapbook, my mom became a pillar of support when I went through my divorce and struggled to begin a new life as a single mom of three.

I know it's cliché, but what I realized as a first-time parent and have come to understand even more fully in recent years, is that my mom really is much wiser and more dedicated than even she would probably give herself credit - certainly more than I ever did. For her, that's just what it means to be a parent: To be present in your children's lives. To love through all means available in order to make their every day ordinary lives extraordinary. To be supportive through whatever challenges life brings, even when your children make choices you wouldn't have made. To listen and every so often offer a gentle reminder that "tomorrow is a new day, and this too shall pass." My mom does all that AND she makes a mean apple pie.

Tomorrow is a new day, but this one shall not pass until I dedicate this to my beloved mom on her birthday...

With love,

~Emily

77/365 - Crazy Saturday

This picture captures my children and their personalities perfectly. Quinn, way out in front, speeds brazenly ahead without a care in the world. My inquisitive and insightful Sophie stops to point out a beautiful bird way up in the tree. And Lucy, my social butterfly, hangs back so she can chat - and, of course, cheezes for the camera as soon as she notices me taking a picture.

Because they are such unique individuals, each moving through life at a different pace, I find myself constantly pulled in multiple directions when we're all together - not to mention having to serve as all-time referee for the countless arguments that crop up between them throughout the day.

At the end of almost every day, we typically read or watch a movie together. It's my favorite part of the day, and not just because I'm about to send them off to bed. OK, maybe that's part of it, but what I love most about the bedtime ritual we share is that it's a time when we all snuggle close together, blissfully cooperative. Whether or not someone falls asleep during this downtime usually corresponds to the level of craziness in a given day. Last night, I woke up around 11:00pm with a book on my chest and three pairs of gangly legs flopped all around me. That should give you an indication of how crazy our Saturday was.

76/365 - Sisterhood

I woke up earlier tonight to my good friend and neighbor, Becky, tickling my feet - I had fallen asleep snuggling with my Sophie-girl while she and the rest of the kids watched a movie after a concert and a trip to Dairy Queen. I took Becky's girls for her after work, a favor I'm always eager to extend after all the times she so graciously takes my kiddos for me. We certainly made the most of our evening together.

Tonight, in addition to being completely wiped out, I feel an incredible debt of gratitude for Becky - for the grace she extends to our family, for the comfort my kids feel in her home, for trusting me with her kids, for the knowledge that she is always there for me - quick to offer help with lots of smiley faces and exclamation points. She always makes me smile and feel loved!!! :-)

There's a point - I'm not sure I can identify when - when a friend becomes family -when shared meals and exchanges of children becomes commonplace, when what has been shared in friendship makes the friendship a sisterhood. Becky is every bit my sister as she is my friend, which is great, because our kids sometimes fight like they're cousins.

75/365 - Conflict

Conflict makes me sad. I like to think of myself as a peacemaker, but I have to admit I'm not all that great at resolving conflicts. I think that's why I tend to back off when I'm facing a contentious issue. It's been my experience that most attempts to communicate unpleasant feelings - even with the intention of resolution - usually just opens the door for a lot of pent-up frustrations to come flying out. When that happens, I usually come out of the situation feeling a bit shell-shocked and more distant than when I went in.

That's what it was like in my marriage - there wasn't a lack of effort to resolve the conflicts between me and my ex-husband. There was simply so much damage done in the process of coming to any sort of agreement, that I eventually ended up weighing the amount of collateral damage that would have to be waged for the price of peace.

Does it make me a coward that I would choose my own peace over the preservation of a relationship?

74/365 - la troisième partie

Love is...

...washing the dishes after I cook.

...arriving 10 minutes early because I need a hug.

..."tell me more" and truly listening.

...extending the freedom to be independent with an invitation to be cared for.

...dancing with me.

...a willingness to learn what I love.

...the peace I feel the moment I see your face.

73/365 - Sisters

Sweet is the voice of a sister in the season of sorrow. ~Benjamin Disraeli

While I don't see them that often, my sisters bring so much joy and wisdom to my life - to our whole family. Meg, the youngest, is all wisdom and grace. She is compassionate, steadfast, generous and kind, an even more impassioned peacemaker than I. Sarah, the youngest in spirit, is faithful, faith-filled and true, sure to bring a laugh with her ebullient humor and unembarrassed bearing of style. I am grateful to each of my sisters for her enduring love and constant friendship, no matter how much time or trouble passes between us.

For as much gratitude as I feel for my sisters tonight, my heart mourns all the more for two of my friends who who lost a sister this past week and for their families with the grief they must now endure. How much more bitter then is their loss without the comfort of their sisters in this season of sorrow?

72/365 - Adorned again

While painting my toenails is not the same as a bonafide pedicure, it does offer some hint of pampering. Every now and then, I like to give my nails a chance to go au naturale, but after a few weeks, it becomes necessary to reconnect with my femininity via my ruby red toenail polish.

The thunderstorm outside doesn't give me much hope that I'll have a chance to display my freshly painted tootsies tomorrow, but the weather report does suggests that Wednesday could be the inaugural day for open-toed sandals.

Can you tell I'm just a wee bit excited?

70-71/365 - Meat

I don't normally eat this much meat in a month, let alone in an entire meal. Grandpa Bernie would've been proud. Well, maybe not of my indigestion afterward, but certainly of the quality and quantity of meat consumed last night at Zingerman's "All American Meat" dinner.

Let's start off with the first course - a trio of meaty appetizers: hidden under that thinly sliced bagel chip is a tasty steak tartare, to the right we have super smooth pulled pork pate, and in the foreground is a miniature New Orleans favorite - dirty po' boy.

Prior to the meal, Chef Alex, gleefully regaled his guests with descriptions of what he had prepared for us to eat. When he got to the dirty po' boy, we all wondered in amazement at his declaration of eating 6-7 meals a day when he was in New Orleans, just so he could try all the restaurants while he was there. Perhaps that's where he got the idea to stuff us all full of so much meat.

Truthfully, after finishing the first course, I was concerned about how much more meat I would be expected to consume in that one sitting. It didn't take long to find out, as the soup came out just as they were clearing away our appetizer plates. The picture doesn't do justice to this course - shaved poached beef in a savory beef broth - which was, hands down, my favorite. The beef was shaved thinner than prosciutto and was every so lightly poached so that it was melt-in-your-mouth tender. The bonus was the bits of green things floating around the broth, which would serve as my salad.

On to the main course - you guessed it, more meat! Grilled goat, pork and beef, accompanied by some down home American potatoes, cooked carrots and another of my favorites: braised cabbage. I confess I ate all of my carrots and most of the cabbage and after trying a sample of each of the meats, asked for the remainder to be boxed up to go.

And lest you think we were sent on our way without dessert, the meal ended with a pretty little mincemeat pie, made up in a puffed pastry with plenty of whipped cream - Chef Alex assured us the pie even had bonafide bits of meat in it. Sadly, it also had raisins, which ruin every dessert as far as I'm concerned. My beau, who has an unnatural love of those disgusting shriveled things, heartily disagreed, and gladly took my mincemeat pie off my hands. My overstuffed belly did not object - which was wise, because I ended up belching for hours later as it was.

My stomach was still a bit heavy today, so I started off the day with yoga, followed by fruit and a giant carb-laden bowl of cereal to counterbalance the protein - and a still had enough stored up for a nice long run in the woods, complete with a few belches reminiscent of the steak tartare.

69/365 - March

Oh, March, you have such a borderline personality.

I liked you better yesterday.

68/365 - Soon!

Given that it is currently 37 degrees, I think it was probably premature to go thout socks today. I couldn't help myself! It was nearly 20 degrees warmer when I left the house this morning, and the promise of spring has me darn near giddy at the thought of getting to wear open-toed sandals soon. One of my favorite things about spring, aside from glorying in the flowering trees and fresh warm air, is banishing my socks and tights to the dresser drawer for several months. Today, I even brought out my favorite ruby red raincoat and polka dot umbrella - so much more cheerful than my standard black wool winter overcoat.

Everything just seems more hopeful and alive with the anticipation of the newness that comes with spring. And here, here is proof that it's right around the corner:

I'm choosing to ignore the memory of these same daffodils struggling to remain upright in the unseasonal six inches of snow we were we trudging through right around this time last year. Even after such a mild winter, I'm holding out for March to be more lamb than lion this year. I'm so ready to make painting my toenails a priority.

Bring on the spring!

67/365 - Damn old

I was practicing my flute in one of the classrooms at the School after work today, using my trusty metronome and tuner that I've had since college. A couple students came in as I was getting ready to leave - When one them noticed my equipment on the music stand, he commented, "I love your metronome. It's so....you know, retro."

Retro. Oh yeah, I'm cool. And old. Old enough to be using a metronome and tuner that have been around since these kids were in diapers anyway.

When I laughed in response, the other kid said, "But you sound good, though!"

Thanks for the encouragement, guys.

66/365 - Dilemma

The question of the sensibility of taking a nap at 9pm need not be asked, but rather of the probability of any productivity to follow. {yawn} In either case, I have my answer.

65/365 - Gratitude

When I contemplate my day and reflect on all that was accomplished, all that I invested and all that was received in return, I certainly can't complain.

Today, like many days, I got to do a job I love, interacting with colleagues and students in meaningful ways. I enjoyed the time I spent with my children who are healthy, insightful, energetic, and wonderfully imaginative beings. I salsa danced in my kitchen and played my flute in the living room, and I ended my day just as it began - connecting with my beau.

My beau, who when I grumbled about still *having* to write yet tonight, so rightly encouraged me to remember that writing can be something I both dread and desire - dread, because my bed calls loudly to me on nights when midnight is looming and I've yet to put any words to the page, and desire, because I know that writing leads to reflection, and reflection almost always inspires gratitude for the simplicity of everyday life. And, as my beau wisely reminded, "gratitude is active, not passive."

It takes time and effort to be thankful. It sometimes takes sacrifice and a willingness to consider that what we have is good just as it is right now. Not only can I not complain, but if I contemplate how good I have it, I can honestly and enthusiastically say, "I love my life!"

Now that I've made peace with my tired soul and my commitment to writing has been fulfilled for today, I shall take my gratitude and head off to bed. The only thing that would make me more grateful and enthusiastic is if my beau were in it.

64/365 - Quiet mornings

There's something more blissful about enjoying a quiet cup of coffee in the morning when my babes are upstairs sleeping as compared to when I'm home alone. I realize it's a stolen moment of peace, indeterminate and precious, which I treasure on those rare mornings they sleep longer than I do.

I hear some stirrings upstairs and know they'll come traipsing downstairs soon. And so I gaze at the flurries dancing in the sunrise and pray that the peace I feel in this moment will stay with me through the day.

63/365 - Saturday

Today ended up being a crafty, home-improvementy kinda day. In addition to conducting the usual damage-control for a Saturday with the kids, I managed to also clean out a couple closets, bag up some old clothes, repair a broken cabinet door, season a cast iron skillet, and put together a click and lock floor for tap dancing - your usual weekend projects, of course.

After dinner, we tackled a new play dough recipe. I had remembered to pick up some alum, the one ingredient I never seem to have on hand for play dough, but I failed to realize that I was low on salt and didn't have any plain old vegetable oil. I bet our concoction, made with freshly ground sea salt and extra virgin olive oil, would hold its own in some of the finest childcare establishments around.

I put the kids to task cleaning up the kitchen while I retreated to the ugly comfy chair for some solitude and a little writing. It's jammy and movie time soon, and I'm torn about what I'm going to do while they're zoned in front of the tube. Laundry? Run on the treadmill? Practice my flute? Hmm, maybe after all this crafty, home-improvementy kinda activity, I should just settle in for a snuggle and a snooze. I think I shall, with a very productive glass of wine in hand.

62/365 - A day late...

...and a blog post short. Again.

61/365 - Yesterday's Schedule

Flute. Work. Work. Work. Work. Groceries. Feed the cats. Yoga. Flute.

At least I started and ended the day with creative expression, even if I didn't write about it.