169/365 - Double life

I'm a little out of sorts today.  I can pinpoint at least half a dozen things contributing to that feeling, but I think I'm most stressed about my kids coming home tonight.  They were away for a week at camp and spent the weekend at their dad's house.  I miss them desperately and am eager to see them, but it's always a little chaotic when we make that transition after such a long period away from each other.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living a double life.  I guess I am, really.  When the kids are with their dad, I enjoy my time with my beau and invest in all sorts of creative endeavors on my own time, without much obligation to home.  It's possible some of my girlfriends are envious of this so-called freedom and regular break from motherhood.  I live a very fulfilling life apart from my kids, that's true, but when my kids are gone, there's a very tangible absence of their presence that I can't reconcile with my happiness.  And yet I still believe that living a joyful and fulfilled life, albeit a challenging one, is one of the best possible examples I can offer them as their mother.  Reminding myself of that makes me feel a lot more grounded than all the laundry and cleaning I've been doing to get ready for their return - when I haven't been dancing around the kitchen like a fool to prepare for the rehearsal I have this afternoon.  

Even with my house and head and choreography in order, I'll probably still be a little out of sorts until my kids and I are together tonight.  What I look forward to most is snuggling up on the couch, everyone in pajamas, reading a book, letting the chaos of the day fall away, feeling their warm little bodies next to mine, grateful that my lovelies are with me again...  

Is it bedtime yet?

168/365 - Choreography

I'm not exactly sure how I got snookered into choreographing a large-scale musical again.  I enjoyed many years with the Ann Arbor Civic Theatre, choreographing for half a dozen musicals and performing in that many more over the course of a decade.  I recently took a few years off from the stage and enjoyed a respite from community theatre.  I used to say I had enough drama in my own life to do another show, which is true.  During my break from A2CT, I learned how to salsa dance, took on a full-time job and spent much of my time raising my kids and generally finding my way in the world.

I got lured back to A2CT with the promise of a choreographing just a couple numbers in a production of Much Ado About Nothing last winter, and I had great fun working on the show.  When I was asked to choreograph for Anything Goes, Cole Porter's music and the accompanying style of choreography seduced me to the task.  Now that rehearsals are underway, though, I'm realizing what I got myself into...

As of tonight, I have two numbers down.  Here's a rough cut of one of the smaller character numbers, with the caveat that it's supposed to be super cheesy (and it is):

Only six more numbers to go.

167/365 - Birthday love

Today is my beau's birthday.  I confess I've started and restarted this post umpteen times now, not really sure what I want to say.  Part of me wants to shout from the rooftops - modern day version is, of course, posting on the internet - to let the world know how both-feet-on-ground in love I am with him!  I'm guessing most people probably know that already, though.  I could certainly extol his many virtues...his generous spirit, compassion for others, gentle manner, thoughtfulness, faithfulness, etc., but he already knows how much I appreciate all those things about him - at least I'm pretty sure he does.  I tell him almost every day what a blessing he is to me.  What more can I say today to celebrate his life and love that hasn't already been said?  Maybe it's gift enough to share my life with him on this day, as I hope to do on every other.

Happy birthday, M.  I love you more than I could ever promise.

166/365 - Still smiling

There are times when it feels as if God is smiling down on me more some days than others. Yesterday was one of those days.  At least that’s how I felt when the predictions for darn near perfect weather were coming true the morning of my 4th-annual summer BBQ.  This year’s party promised a live band, dance floor, two tents, 20 pounds of homemade BBQ pulled pork, 250 water balloons, and a large number of enthusiastic guests.  Not your everyday backyard BBQ.  I don’t even own a grill.

I have to admit I questioned the notion of God’s smile when a pipe from my well burst a mere 3 hours before the party was scheduled to start.  I called my landlord in what might be termed "a panic."  After listening to the situation, he said it was not likely he could fix the problem in time and suggested I cancel the party.  Yes, definitely cause for panic.  Canceling the party was not an option as I far as I was concerned, even if it meant asking people to trek to the neighbor’s house to pee.  Well, the ladies at least…the guys would have probably been relegated to the field out back.

I pleaded with my landlord to at least try.  While I waited for him to arrive, my beau, after expertly stopping the flow of water gushing madly into the basement, ran to the hardware store to get a head start on salvaging the remote possibility of offering running water and flush toilets for our guests.  Before he left, I regrettably shared my “God smiling” sense with him.  My beau’s response?  “You may find he’s still smiling when all is said and done.”

Wise words indeed.

Well, my beau was right as usual, and the party ended up being a raging success!  My landlord was able to come up with a temporary solution to reroute the water from the well to the well pump, with plenty of time to spare me a shower in my own bathroom before the guests arrived.  The weather, even with a 5-minute mini-sprinkle mid-evening, was darn near perfect.  The band, one I’ve loved for years, played some of my favorite salsa tunes, and even the non-dancers commented on how much they enjoyed the music.  I danced and visited with friends way more than I expected, mainly because my beau graciously worked tirelessly to restock food and supplies and keep the kids entertained.  Countless guests said that it was one of the best parties they’d ever attended.  As if that wasn’t enough, after everyone left, my beau and my lovely neighbor – the one willing to offer her toilet to my guests and her shower to me - stayed to do the bulk of the clean-up while I settled my babes to sleep.

Now that all is said and done, I most certainly do feel as if God is still smiling at me.  But it’s not because things ended up coming together or even that it was such a great party.  I can look back and see that “God’s smile” is in the joy I felt in the warm (but not too hot) sun on my face, not in the sunshine itself.  I think it’s also in the peace my beau offered in the midst of a stressful moment and again in the gratitude I felt when the crisis, mild though it really was, was averted.  Most of all, I felt God smile on the relationships I share with so many wonderful and interesting people.  May I be so bold to call it love?  I imagine that nothing makes God smile so much as when we love each other.  That and when a rip roaring good time is had by all.

165/365 - More than a little night music

I went on vacation and fell off the blog wagon last week. My words were given over to Sondheim melodies, so my beau and I learned to speak pannukakku instead. Midnight rendezvous with Haagen Dazs on the Battlestar Galactica often led to lazy coffee on noonish mornings, and there was really no time to write on the bobsled loop of the outer limits trail...clearly no place for a laptop at Peterson's fish market or Maggie's Spa either. The monks and their jam might've made a nice story, but all of my articulate thoughts seem to have floated away over the nostalgia of Silver Falls. I can assure you it was summertime well spent, and the living was most certainly easy.

164/365 - Up North

Today, I begin my journey up north. "Up North," as Michiganders like to say, can mean anywhere from an hour or so north to a cabin on one of Michigan's many lakes or all the way to the Mackinac Bridge. In this case, it's a 10-hour drive to almost the northern most point of the Upper Peninsula - Yooper Territory.

Da Yoopers seem to have an ease going about their lives.  When I was in the U.P. last year, I quickly fell into the much less hurried pace that I witnessed from those around me - except that one time I discovered I was going the wrong way down a one-way street, but that's all part of navigating a new place, eh?

I'm sure my ease in the U.P., while a product of the area, also came from a week without kids, staying away from home and all the work that goes with it, and devoting an entire week solely to my life as a professional musician.  I'm playing the same opera festival again this summer.  I can already imagine...plenty of time to practice, late night rehearsals, even later night gatherings with colleagues, sleeping in, spending most of my days relaxing, running, and exploring the beautiful U.P.  These visions take my mind off having to spend 10+ hours in the car by myself.

Truthfully, I'm not all that worried about the drive.  It's rare that I have long periods of uninterrupted time, so this will give me the opportunity to listen in all sorts of meaningful ways.  Plus, my beau will be joining me in a couple of days.  My beau is from the U.P., so he has a very intimate experience with Yooper Territory.  He would say this is why he lives so far away from there now.  Personally, I think his presence will be a perfect addition to my repeat yooper experience.  Dontcha ya think, eh?

163/365 - Lakeside cafe

For the past three days, I've had the pleasure of enjoying my morning coffee lakeside at my parents' cottage.  I always underestimate the peace I feel here.  I know it's more than just a break from work and the chaos of my usual routine.  The incredible hospitality extended by my family and the joy my children experience here certainly contributes to the welcome sojourn.  But I also think it's just easier for the stillness to penetrate my soul when I'm near water.  Water, vital for all known forms of life, seems to nourish the contemplative one too.

162/365 - Wicked Joy

One of the best things about being a parent is witnessing your own joy through the eyes of your child.