169/365 - Double life

I'm a little out of sorts today.  I can pinpoint at least half a dozen things contributing to that feeling, but I think I'm most stressed about my kids coming home tonight.  They were away for a week at camp and spent the weekend at their dad's house.  I miss them desperately and am eager to see them, but it's always a little chaotic when we make that transition after such a long period away from each other.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living a double life.  I guess I am, really.  When the kids are with their dad, I enjoy my time with my beau and invest in all sorts of creative endeavors on my own time, without much obligation to home.  It's possible some of my girlfriends are envious of this so-called freedom and regular break from motherhood.  I live a very fulfilling life apart from my kids, that's true, but when my kids are gone, there's a very tangible absence of their presence that I can't reconcile with my happiness.  And yet I still believe that living a joyful and fulfilled life, albeit a challenging one, is one of the best possible examples I can offer them as their mother.  Reminding myself of that makes me feel a lot more grounded than all the laundry and cleaning I've been doing to get ready for their return - when I haven't been dancing around the kitchen like a fool to prepare for the rehearsal I have this afternoon.  

Even with my house and head and choreography in order, I'll probably still be a little out of sorts until my kids and I are together tonight.  What I look forward to most is snuggling up on the couch, everyone in pajamas, reading a book, letting the chaos of the day fall away, feeling their warm little bodies next to mine, grateful that my lovelies are with me again...  

Is it bedtime yet?