175/365 - Career Musician

Some people are naturally gifted musicians.  I'm not one of them.  I do consider myself a professional, but I'm far from one of the best players getting work out there.  I established my fairly successful, albeit modest career as a classical musician with a great amount of passion and good old fashioned hard work.

It took a lot of years of frustration and self-criticism to sort out that performing just isn't my forte, but in the process, I've come to acknowledge the countless opportunities I had to develop other skills and natural-born talents that I do possess as an arts administrator and teacher.  As I've said before, taking even a small part in enabling a young person to follow her dreams is so much more fulfilling than it ever was pursuing my own - which bears the question of whether being a professional flutist was ever a dream of mine in the first place...

When I was recently invited to audition for a permanent position in one of the area's regional orchestras, I found myself asking myself that question yet again.  As a primarily free-lance musician, the idea of a regular gig playing with many of my colleagues was really appealing.  But I confess I also had the same thought I always have when I've auditioned for every other orchestra job since college: "Maybe I'll finally prove that I can do this."  Not exactly "dream" language, now is it?  But I pulled out the audition excerpts and spent several days whittling away at the notes anyway, and the age-old joy-sucking anxiety and self-doubt came right out with them.  I said to my beau, "I hate playing these excerpts...I hated playing them 20 years ago, and I hate playing them now."

In my job as an admissions counselor for some of the next generation of professional musicians, I frequently tell prospective students who are uncertain about pursuing a career in music, "If you can follow what you're passionate about and figure out what you're good at in the process, you'll find your way to a successful career."  If I take an honest look at that journey, I seem to have done just that.  I really don't need that regular gig to call myself a professional musician.  I already am, and I go to work nearly every day loving every aspect of what I do.  I'd call that success.  You might even say I'm already living my dream, and I'd be inclined to agree.